What I Want
by Jessica237
Summary: EC. She was all he'd ever wanted, but as she'd presented the challenge to him, Eric couldn't even formulate the words that might've finally landed her in his arms. Post-ep for 7x12.


**Title: **What I Want  
**By: **Jessica  
**Pairing: **Eric/Calleigh  
**Rating: **T  
**Timeline: **Post 7x12, Head Case. Contains spoilers.  
**Summary: **She was all he'd ever wanted, but as she presented the challenge to him, Eric couldn't even formulate the words that might've finally landed her in his arms.

* * *

With a deep sigh, Eric closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the steering wheel, listening to the rain overhead. It fell in angry torrents against the roof of the car, the sound almost deafening to Eric's ears. But since it served to drown out the thoughts rushing through his mind, Eric made no effort to shield his ears from the sound.

For one time in his life, he'd found something he'd rather listen to than the sweet, Southern lilt that he'd fallen in love with so many years before. For the first time, that voice caused him agony.

It wasn't so much her voice that caused him agony – no, that could _never_ be the case. Instead, it was the question delivered in that sweet lilt, a seemingly innocent question that had echoed in his ears several hundred times since she'd uttered it aloud to him.

_"What do you want?"_

Four innocent words, one simple, straightforward question. A question with an answer that Eric knew loud and clear, with all of his heart.

It was an answer that he'd told her so many times before…only in his sweetest dreams, of course. In his dreams, he'd never hesitated. The words fell from his lips with an urgency, a desperation to make sure that she knew. The words were usually delivered breathlessly, between kisses to whatever part of her body he'd been ravishing at the moment. Sometimes, she was the one who uttered the breathless admission, gazing into Eric's eyes the entire time.

If only his dreams were the real thing. It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last that he would make that wish. He knew, though, that he could spend the rest of his life wishing and still not find what he wanted.

But what was he supposed to do? Just reach out and take hold of what he wanted, when he wanted it? If Eric had done that, it would've been _him_ kissing Calleigh in the middle of the lab for everyone to see nearly two years ago, not Jake. And yet, everything he knew – or at least, thought he knew – about Calleigh told him that that wasn't what she wanted.

For all the years he'd known her, she'd kept her private life out of the professional realm, completely by choice. Calleigh knew the consequences that occurred when that line became obscured, and, as fastidious about her work as she was, those consequences just weren't an option. She'd always preferred to keep the two separate.

Along with her professionalism, Calleigh also held tightly to her sense of control. She didn't like having her life taken out of her hands. Her decisions were made on her time and by her own hands – Eric knew how much it upset her to have decisions made for her, whether because it took her too long to make the decision herself, or because the person making the decision for her didn't think her capable of making it on her own – something to which Calleigh took great offense.

And yet, just that afternoon, Calleigh had taken both of those assumptions Eric held of her and snapped them into pieces. Right there, in the middle of the lab, in front of countless pairs of prying eyes that would just _love_ something to gossip about, Calleigh had seemingly encountered no difficulty in lobbing that question at him, in essence destroying that line between professional and personal, _and_ putting the choice that he'd been waiting for her to make right back into his hands.

Did she _want_ him to say it right there; did she want the answer to be heard by the entire lab? Did she _want_ him to make it clear to her, once and for all?

An answer? Confirmation? Explanation? A sudden, dizzying kiss that would leave her knees wobbling for quite some time?

What did _she _want?

She'd said she was confused.

Well, Eric knew that feeling _all_ too well. Maybe even more so than she did. It was the feeling that consumed him completely as her four little words slowly ate away at his sanity, leaving him dying to rip his short hair out in frustration.

_"What do you want?_"

They just wouldn't stop. It was an ever growing echo in his mind, his ears, and instead of slowly fading into the background, it only grew louder and louder, her sweet Southern lilt becoming more prominent with each echo. But as that lilt that he adored so very much sharpened, it brought with it the previously concealed resonance of a desperate plea, one that he had not heard when the words were actually spoken. But now, it seemed so clear – how had he ever missed it?

Another failure. The list was growing ever longer right before his eyes, while earlier that day he'd walked out of the building only concerned with one – the obvious one. That was the issue with too much thinking. It only compounded the most of obvious of failures in his life while bringing out from the shadows what he had missed before – what he wished he'd never realized.

His eyes squeezed tightly shut, Eric gave a frustrated groan, grasping the wheel with a white-knuckled grip. Why could nothing ever seem to go right for him? She was all he'd ever wanted, but as she presented the challenge to him, Eric couldn't even formulate the words that might've finally landed her in his arms.

It wasn't that he didn't _know_ the answer to Calleigh's simple yet utterly complex inquiry. Several months ago, in the confidentiality of Dr. Marsh's office, Eric had once more been able to answer that question aloud. In fact, he hadn't been able to answer it _enough_. He always seemed to run out of time before he was satisfied with the detail in his answers. He _knew _what he wanted. Dr. Marsh had known what he wanted – the proof was in the small novel's worth of pages she'd copied down about Calleigh alone.

Eric himself had never been privy to those pages, but he knew the words that had spilled from his lips in his therapy sessions. He knew beyond any doubt the words that dotted those pages. Confessions, revelations, the deepest desires of his heart – they were _all_ there.

How long _had_ he spent in that office, talking about nothing but Calleigh? It had to be hours; she was the easiest subject for him to talk about – at least to someone _other_ than Calleigh herself, it seemed. It was much easier to talk about the children he dreamed of having with Calleigh than to talk about how the bullet in his brain affected activities that had been second nature to him for years. It was much easier to talk about waking up to find Calleigh at his bedside than to talk about the painful relearning of his own sister's death. And it was certainly much easier to talk about the very moment that Calleigh had stolen his heart than to relive anything about the day that Clavo Cruz had nearly stolen his life.

He'd sat there at the table with Calleigh, both of them searching through every file. _Every_ file. And not once had Eric's eyes come upon his own file – it wasn't in his stack, which left only one place it could possibly be.

Calleigh had stumbled upon those pages; Eric knew. Calleigh _knew_ what he wanted.

Calleigh _knew_; how could she not?

Eric groaned once more, feeling the beginnings of a headache at his temples. He just didn't understand it.

And he wasn't even quite sure what it _was_ that he didn't understand.

_"What do you want?"_

The words haunted him, like cold rain seeping into the back of his raincoat. They chilled him to the core – not so much her question, but the fact that he hadn't given her the answer she'd needed. They mocked him, yet another reminder of his inadequacy since the shooting. Before, he'd been able to, quite smoothly, tell any woman any words she'd wanted to hear. But now, when the words he needed to say were most true, they didn't come.

And if there was one thing Eric was irrevocably sure of, it was that he would not rest until he was _sure_ that she knew that he wanted her. If he were to go home now, those words would bounce from his walls, reverberating endlessly through his empty apartment. He could expect the same if he went back to the motel he'd been staying at, only worse. And Eric did well enough to _ever_ succeed at finding sleep; there was no chance in hell of him finding a solid moment of it tonight, not with those words, Calleigh's spoken and his unspoken, mingling in his already fragile brain.

The thoughts touched upon a sensitive nerve, and Eric grumbled quietly, fighting the urge to shove his fists into the steering wheel. "I shouldn't _have _to say it."

To him, it had only been all too obvious. In fact, Eric had found himself beginning to grow discouraged – perhaps his feelings _were _unrequited. Perhaps she'd chosen Jake for more than just because he'd been the first to make his intentions known. And Eric had thought he'd succeeded in keeping his distance while still showing just what she meant to him, showing her exactly what he wanted.

She'd witnessed his displeasure over her relationship with Jake, having even called him out on it.

He'd been there for her, offering a steady shoulder and a warm embrace during those times when it should've been Jake.

She'd stood right in front of him when he'd placed her importance to him several steps higher than the importance of the job, when her own _boyfriend_ had failed to do the same.

And still she'd come to him, with seemingly _no_ idea that he was helplessly and desperately in love with her. And even worse, Calleigh doubted his own belief in that fact.

At his silence, Calleigh had shaken her head and walked away from him. And Eric couldn't help feeling insulted, at least a little. Sure, he'd suffered a brain injury. He'd suffered memory loss and sudden attacks of pain, as well as experiencing those shortcomings when he'd first come back to work. Not a day went by that Eric didn't quietly question his own abilities – there was no denying his uncertainty when it came to that.

But that was all in his head, literally.

His brain was _not _his heart.

And _that_ was what torched his already smoldering anger.

There was nothing at all wrong with his heart. Eric _knew_ what he wanted; knew what his heart wanted. And Calleigh…she had to question it. It was in her nature, he knew, but it still felt almost as though she were toying with him. This wasn't his competency at work that she was questioning – she had questioned what had become the greatest truth he possessed. What did he know more concretely than how he felt about her?

There was nothing that came to mind.

The combination of emotions coursing through his body was a potent mix, leaving him unpredictable, possibly even dangerous. Confusion. Heartache. Irritation. Anger. And as he lifted his head slowly from the steering wheel, he felt a new emotion join the blend: sheer determination. He _would_ prove himself.

He _would_ prove that he wanted nothing more than to be with Calleigh Duquesne.

That newfound resolve coursing angrily through his veins, Eric shoved the hood of his raincoat over his head, not even sure why he bothered – the chill that had settled over him refused to dissipate; a little rain could do very little to make it worse. With more force than was necessary, Eric yanked at the handle and pushed himself out of the car and into the rain, the sound almost deafening against his hood.

For so long that his legs had begun to cramp, Eric had been sitting in his car, nowhere else than in Calleigh's driveway. It was the only place he could have made himself go on a night like this. And now, finally it seemed he had found the courage to leave his car, to make his way out of the driveway and onto the front step.

As soon as he'd stepped under the awning overhead, he pushed his hood back and rhythmically clenched his fist a couple of times. As frustrated as he was, Eric wanted nothing more than to pound his fists against the door, either until they ached and bled or until she took mercy on him and opened the door. But instead, Eric forced himself to rein in his irritation, using a single finger to ring the doorbell – once, twice, and a third time before the door flew open, revealing a rather annoyed Calleigh Duquesne.

But as her eyes fell upon him, the annoyance on her face quickly morphed through a myriad of emotions; annoyance to surprise, to confusion, to hope, to frustration, to confusion once more before finally settling on a blank slate devoid of any readable emotion…except for her eyes. Try as she might, Calleigh couldn't totally harden her eyes as easily as she could in the past, not around Eric. He knew her too well; he could read her better than anyone else.

"Eric…" He saw her lips mouth his name, but whether it was voiced or not, he would never know. Either she was too stunned to speak, or her voice had been swallowed by the sound of the rain. She crossed her arms protectively about her middle as she slowly stepped outside. It was then that Eric knew that the chill in the air wasn't just in his mind; he watched, fascinated as goosebumps formed along her bare arms, and it was all he could do not to pull her into his embrace, despite the fact that he himself was all but shivering.

Eric didn't speak, and to her surprise, his prolonged silence quickened the beating of Calleigh's heart. The lack of a quick resolution for his sudden appearance both alarmed and excited her, much more so than his lack of words had done earlier. Earlier, his lack of words had merely frustrated her, cementing the idea in her mind that Eric really _didn't_ know what he wanted. But maybe, just maybe, she had been wrong.

Her mouth had gone dry at the very sight of him, wild-eyed on her doorstep and seemingly soaked through to the bone, stray droplets of rain clinging to him, dripping to the step below. There was no other reason why he would be there, not after the way they'd left things so uncertain between the two of them earlier. In the past, there had been times that he _would_ surprise her at odd hours with takeout in one hand, a movie or two in the other, and a smile on his lips. And while the memory brought a smile to Calleigh's own lips, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this could _not_ be just a simple, friendly visit.

Feeling rather shaky, Calleigh swallowed, the bitter taste of confusion filling her mouth. "What – what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice raspy.

His eyes darted to her mouth, following her pink tongue as she attempted to moisten her lips. The movement of his eyes, combined with the almost untamed glimmer within his eyes dizzying her, breaking the steady in and out of her breath. It came in erratic, uneven gasps, and as her heart pounded angrily against her chest, Calleigh couldn't help but feel she might pass out at any moment.

He licked his own lips, and Calleigh opened her mouth, just about to repeat her question when he spoke, his voice driving a shiver all the way down to the base of her spine.

"Ask me again," he breathed, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears. Adrenaline like he'd never felt before was coursing angrily through his veins, infusing him with a sense of strength, a sense of power. He felt almost as though he could do anything. There was no fear, no hesitation in his quiet command, nor was either present in his dark eyes. He was a completely different person than who he'd been earlier.

And it seemed the roles had undergone a complete reversal. Under the scrutiny of his intense gaze, Calleigh seemed to shrink back, and for a moment, Eric couldn't help but fear she would back away and run inside, leaving him face to face with nothing but the closed door.

But she didn't. She couldn't, even if she'd wanted to – her feet felt anchored to the spot, weighed down by the mix of anticipation and apprehension, tinged just the slightest with a bit of fear. Calleigh swallowed, though it did nothing for her suddenly dry mouth. She knew exactly what Eric was referring to, but as he stood before her, tracing every inch of her body with those wild eyes of his, Calleigh felt the sense of ambush that Eric must've gone through earlier, when she'd been the one to put him on the spot. "Eric , I don't –"

Immediately Eric shook his head, cutting her off mid-sentence. He was tired of the coy games she played whenever he slipped a bit too close to her heart, to her emotions. And today she had finally opened the door to him – he wasn't going to let her close it again until he'd at least made his presence known over that threshold. "Ask me. Again."

It was the same question, the exact same haunting words, and yet, the inquiry sounded nothing like what he had heard earlier. Earlier, Calleigh's voice had been colored with frustration, desperation, confusion. Now, she spoke in a breathy whisper that defied any chance that she might still doubt him, doubt _them._ Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath, steadying herself before she met his eyes once more. "What – what do you want?"

Wordlessly, he took a heavy step closer to her, watching the way her eyes widened at his movement. For a quick moment, he let his eyes roam once more over her body, from the subtle waves in her slightly damp hair to the fluffiness of her slippers, and everything in between - the light grey fabric of the drawstring pants that clung loosely to her hips, highlighting the curves that Eric was dying to trace with his fingertips; the white tank top that fell just a mere millimeter above the hem of her pants, revealing the slightest amount of her taut stomach. She took his breath away without even trying, and once again, Eric couldn't help but find himself struggling with the verbal answer to her question, as differently as it had been asked.

But this time, one single fact reverberated in his mind. One single fact, that if he'd taken her question as asked earlier, might have saved him the time he'd spent sitting in his car, in her driveway, in the pouring rain.

She _wanted_ him to say the words.

But no matter how he looked at it, there were just no words that spoke as loudly as actions could.

Eyes unreadable, Eric forced away the thoughts running through the logical portion of his mind, allowing his body to move almost of its own volition. He barely registered the sound of her shocked gasp as his hands cupped her cheeks, his grip none too gentle. Eric wasn't sure if he could do gentle right now even if he tried; he was far too emotional, far too angry. Angry with himself, for letting her walk away from him; angry at himself for letting her simple question get so far under his skin. Angry with Calleigh, angry with the torrential rainfall, angry with…the universe. Yeah, the universe itself – that seemed to encapsulate everything, because thinking about each and every entity that garnered his anger right now just made him even angrier.

His hands felt so cold against her cheeks, chilled from the rain or by something within, she couldn't decipher. She had not the time to try either. She barely even had time to realize his intentions and to utter the first syllable of his name before his mouth crashed against hers, laying a forceful claim to what he had wanted for years.

And Calleigh didn't protest – for a moment, she was far too stunned to do anything other than let him all but devour her with such a powerful kiss. It wasn't as if she wanted to protest either, though. As soon as his lips had crashed against hers, her world had come to a complete standstill before all of her senses simply exploded. His taste, his scent, the feel of his hands on her cheeks, his lips against hers…it was utterly overwhelming,

It was nothing like the kiss she had imagined. Eric had always been so sweet, so tentative with their relationship. When she'd asked him what he wanted, she'd _never _expected him to show up on her doorstep in the pouring rain and simply _take_ what he wanted, consequences be damned.

And the fact that he had was turning Calleigh on more than she'd like to admit. She _wanted_ him to keep kissing her hungrily, as though he might die were their lips ever to part. She _wanted _him to push her inside the still open door and kick it shut behind them. She _wanted_ to feel his hands on her body, practically clawing at her clothes to get to her bare skin.

Eric gave a low growl as Calleigh willingly parted her lips for him, the sound sending a delicious shiver slowly down the entire length of her spine. His tongue battled hers, teasing and tasting and _damn_ she wanted more of that too. Wanted more and more until she couldn't possibly take any more, and even then she wasn't going to give it up without a fight.

Her mind was still numb, still caught in the moment just seconds before he'd roughly claimed her lips. But her body was clearly catching up; before she could even begin to realize it, her fingers were clasping in the material of his raincoat, clutching him with all the strength she could muster. Her lips, her tongue crashed against his just as hungrily, just as roughly, and there was that growl again, the one that weakened her knees and made her want him even more. She couldn't help the jolt of surprise that coursed through her as her ears picked up on a moan of her own, one that she'd made absolutely no attempt to hold back.

And then, the unthinkable happened. Just as she'd realized how badly she needed this, just as she'd lost herself in her own fervent response, Eric broke away from her, ending that connection between their mouths that had seemed to go on forever, yet at the same time had not been long enough. His hands covered hers, gently prying her fingers away from his shirt. His grip was strong, and as Calleigh's eyes finally fluttered open, it took her a few seconds to fight her way out of the cloudy, desire-laden haze he'd plunged her into. Dizzily she swayed on her feet, knowing that the strong grip of Eric's hands on hers was part of the reason – if not the sole one – that she was still standing.

And then, Calleigh met his dark gaze. She couldn't help but shiver at the look in his eyes – it was the same wild expression that had frightened her before, but now Calleigh only found herself further aroused by it. It was lustful, almost predatory, and Calleigh couldn't even find the ability to silently chastise herself for the vision it put in her mind. How _easily_ she could see them now, his body roughly pinning her to the wall, a thin sheen of sweat glistening on their skin as he drove her to the edge of bliss time and time again.

Her cheeks were flushed, she could feel the blood rushing to them, but Calleigh wasn't sure whether it was from the way Eric was eyeing her or from the vivid imagery in her mind. She was still reeling from his kiss; at any moment, she felt she might collapse to the ground below in a quivering heap. Her hands shook – she knew Eric could feel it too. How could he not when he kept a firm hold on her hands?

Just as the thought crossed her mind, Eric roughly released her hands, the look in his eyes unwavering. A sudden chill spread throughout Calleigh's body from her fingertips, look in her eyes transitioning from desire to confusion and back again before hovering somewhere in between.

Eric swallowed hard, fighting back the desire that he wanted so badly to succumb to. He'd felt the tremble in Calleigh's hands; it was quite obvious that he'd caught her off guard. She was stunned, and Eric wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and kiss her again and again until they both couldn't breathe. But with tremendous effort, he retained the hard expression in his eyes, not once wavering from that.

He took a step forward, his ears easily picking up on the way Calleigh's breath hitched. His eyes darted to her swollen lips, and he allowed his tongue to dart out and swipe quickly over his own lips, relishing in the sweet taste of her that remained. He wanted more, and as he leaned closer to her, close enough to feel her erratic breaths against his skin. Meeting her emerald eyes unwaveringly, he resisted the urge to gently nip at her bottom lip, even though the little, indescribably tantalizing motion she made with her lips made it utterly painful to resist.

But the point wasn't to indulge. Calleigh had asked him what he wanted, and he'd given his answer. "I _know_ what I want," he all but growled, the almost inaudible words sending chills down Calleigh's spine. "I want _you_. I've wanted you for _so _damn long_._" He watched, enjoying the effect that his words had on her. Her lips parted, her eyes widened, her cheeks flushed, and without even consciously realizing it, Calleigh shot out a hand, holding herself steady against the dampened wall.

Leaning ever closer to her, close enough to capture her lips again without much effort at all. But he resisted, though it very near killed him to do so. "The question is," he breathed, his ears picking up on her tiny, almost inaudible whimper. "What do _you_ want?"

He lingered but for a moment, allowing her the same chance she'd given him earlier. But like him, Calleigh was speechless. Her mouth opened only to close again, and while her eyes offered all the answer he could hope for, Eric was the one who needed the words this time. He'd had quite enough of the mixed signals that seemed to color their entire relationship.

With a sigh, Eric took a step backward, putting an almost unbearable bit of distance between them. "When you figure it out, you know where to find me."

Without bothering to put up the hood of his raincoat, Eric swiftly turned away from her, letting his heart become overwhelmed by the hope that just maybe she would find the courage he'd been unable to muster earlier in the afternoon; that just maybe she would call out to him.

But no such call came, and with a deep sigh and a prayer that maybe, just maybe she would surprise him at his door much as he'd just surprised her, Eric allowed the cold rain to engulf him once more as his footsteps carried him away from Calleigh and into the darkness.


End file.
